Skip to main content
Close Close

Congratulations
You're on the list.

Make sure to check your spam folder so that our emails are always delivered into your inbox.
xo, Kourt
Give your inbox
and your life

the Poosh it needs.
By clicking SIGN UP, you agree to receive emails from Poosh and agree to our terms of use and privacy policy.
Free Shipping on All Domestic Orders.
  • HEALTH + WELLNESS
  • LIFE + STYLE
  • HOME + ENTERTAINING
  • KMK
Poosh
  • Poosh Your Wellness
  • instagram pinterest facebook twitter youtube join newsletter
  • Shop
  • search
  • search
  • body
  • diy
  • fitness
  • Giving Back
  • health
  • mind
  • Relationships
  • Sexual Wellness
  • soul
5 Ways to Get Out of Your Head
5 Ways to Get Out of Your Head
4 Ways to Gently Wake Up 
4 Ways to Gently Wake Up 
7 Foods for Prime Sex From an OB-GYN
7 Foods for Prime Sex From an OB-GYN
Plank Your Way to Better Abs
Plank Your Way to Better Abs
Mindfulness Exercises if Meditating Isn’t Your Thing 
Mindfulness Exercises if Meditating Isn’t Your Thing 
Cheat Days Are Necessary—Here’s How We Do It
Cheat Days Are Necessary—Here’s How We Do It
  • Adulting
  • beauty
  • guides
  • Hacks
  • style
  • travel
How to Make Your Passion Your Full-Time Profession
How to Make Your Passion Your Full-Time Profession
Clean(ish) SPFs That Are Actually Cool
Clean(ish) SPFs That Are Actually Cool
Yes, Psychodermatology Is a Thing
Yes, Psychodermatology Is a Thing
How to Plan the Perfect Summer Vacation
How to Plan the Perfect Summer Vacation
How to Have Your Best Hair This Year
How to Have Your Best Hair This Year
Sexy Tops for Your Next Date Night 
Sexy Tops for Your Next Date Night 
  • decor
  • entertaining
  • kids
  • motherhood
  • Playlists
  • recipes
How to Recreate Kourt’s Wellness Smoothie at Home
How to Recreate Kourt’s Wellness Smoothie at Home
Our Go-To Summer Cocktail Recipes
Our Go-To Summer Cocktail Recipes
An Easy and Healthy Breakfast Idea
An Easy and Healthy Breakfast Idea
Healthy Baking Substitutes
Healthy Baking Substitutes
How to Recreate Kourt’s Health Nut Order at Home
How to Recreate Kourt’s Health Nut Order at Home
Kourt’s Spicy Guacamole Recipe
Kourt’s Spicy Guacamole Recipe
  • family
  • kourtney
The Most Helpful Things Kourt Has Learned Since Having COVID Again
The Most Helpful Things Kourt Has Learned Since Having COVID Again
Kourt’s No-Makeup Glow Routine
Kourt’s No-Makeup Glow Routine
It’s More Than Just a Candle: The Goop x Poosh Collab
It’s More Than Just a Candle: The Goop x Poosh Collab
How Kourt Got Ready for the Met Gala
How Kourt Got Ready for the Met Gala
Kourt’s Birthday Sale Picks
Kourt’s Birthday Sale Picks
An Exclusive Peek Inside Kris Jenner’s Glassware Room
An Exclusive Peek Inside Kris Jenner’s Glassware Room
What are you looking for?
  • Shop
  • Open/Close Button HEALTH + WELLNESS
    • body
    • diy
    • fitness
    • Giving Back
    • health
    • mind
    • Relationships
    • Sexual Wellness
    • soul
  • Open/Close Button HOME + ENTERTAINING
    • decor
    • entertaining
    • kids
    • motherhood
    • Playlists
    • recipes
  • Open/Close Button KMK
    • family
    • kourtney
  • Open/Close Button LIFE + STYLE
    • Adulting
    • beauty
    • guides
    • Hacks
    • style
    • travel
  • Poosh Your Wellness
  • Newsletter
instagram pinterest facebook twitter youtube join newsletter
Sexual Wellness

What to do When THE BIG O IS A NO SHOW

By Kate Balestrieri
share on pinterest share on facebook share on twitter Share on Flipboard share by email
 Photo credit @endlesslyloveclub
@endlesslyloveclub

The moment is set. You’re feeling good, the vibe is on, the chemistry is there. Your breath is heavy, the excitement is building, and then … nothing. No orgasm in sight. It doesn’t make any sense—or maybe it happens all too often. Either way, it can feel frustrating and demoralizing for you and your partner in the moment. It’s common for men and women to have all sorts of expectations about orgasms: how often they should occur, how seismic they should feel, how loudly they should be expressed, how many should be had per sexcapade, how wet they should make the sheets, etc. These ideas are born entirely out of fantasy. And while most people can distinguish between fantasy and reality and may not have any expectations for their orgasmic potential, some may be let down if their sexpectations pale in comparison to an unconscious ideal.

Orgasms come in all shapes, sizes, sounds, and strengths. Some feel like a low quiver, others like an earthquake about to shatter your … well, you get the picture. Other times, a climax just isn’t in the cards, and it can be as much of a bummer as it is a mystery. If reaching orgasm is something that escapes you more often than not, you might consider talking to your OB/GYN or a pelvic floor specialist to rule out any medical or structural issues that might be impeding orgasm.

Too much pressure is also a climax killer. Nothing snuffs out an orgasm faster than the expectation of or demand for its arrival. Whether the pressure is coming from you or your partner, your orgasm is probably not coming out of hiding if the heat is too demanding. Lack of energy can get in the way as well; when fatigue is dominant, your body goes into energy conservation mode and is less likely to expend vital resources for a little fun.

Or, your bits may be desensitized. Too much clitoral or vaginal stimulation with sex toys can lead to difficulty reaching climax with a human hand or other appendage. No matter how hard they try, body parts just don’t work the same way as a vibrator. Try easing up on the toys for a few months to let yourself regain sensitivity and see what happens.

In French, an orgasm is often referred to as la petite mort, or “the little death,” because following one, humans go in to a gooey state of semi-consciousness after expending their life force. Interpreted another way: you have to surrender in order to have an orgasm. If you’re not letting someone in psychologically, have been betrayed, or are someone who loves control, you may find it challenging to let go enough to relax fully into the sensations that bring about an orgasm.

What You Can Do

Relax your mind, body, and expectations. Ensure you make some time for grounding and self-love—affirmations included—if you tend to tense up during sex or under the pressure of whether or not you’ll reach climax.

Sometimes your partner just isn’t hitting the mark. If that’s the case, kindly talk to them and teach them how to please you. At the end of the day, you’re responsible for your own orgasm.

Slow down, especially if you find yourself checking out or dissociating. Bodies require finesse, and if all they experience is a jackhammer, they may not be able to fully open up to the experience that slower sensations allow. Play with different sensations, speeds, and temperatures. Get creative and investigate how your body responds to different things.

Make eye contact. Sexual pleasure can infinitely increase with safety, trust, and connection, and the eyes are the windows to each other’s sexual and emotional souls.

Schedule an appointment with a sex therapist. They are trained to help people move through sexual blockades and into a more empowered and enlivened sexual state.

What Your Partner Can Do

A partner ought never to judge or shame—ever. Shame and sex don’t mix (unless masochism is your thing), and shaming someone for not being able to climax is cruel and will likely only make it more challenging for them to relax and experience orgasm in the future.

Your partner shouldn’t take it personally. Even if their technique isn’t fully on par with what you like, the issue isn’t about them. Everyone is different, and every combination of bodies requires different stimulation to hit all the right marks.

Your partner should refrain from comparing you to others. It’s not fair to compare you to what they’ve seen in porn, and especially not to past partners. Talk about a mood killer! Everybody is different, and there is no right way to enjoy sex. Instead, encourage them to take some time to learn what you like together, and be open-minded and enthusiastic (as long as your actions don’t cross any boundaries either of you have.)

Whatever you do, don’t fake it! Be honest with your partner if you’re ready to stop. Championing the journey and not the destination takes the pressure off. Re-envision the goal of sex to be one that is centered on pleasure, not performance. You’ll be surprised at how good it feels.

Dr. Kate Balestrieri is a licensed psychologist, certified sex therapist, certified sex addiction therapist, PACT therapist, and founder of Modern Intimacy, a group practice in Los Angeles, Miami, and Chicago. Listen to her podcast, Modern Intimacy, and follow her on IG @drkatebalestrieri.

The content provided in this article is provided for information purposes only and is not a substitute for professional advice and consultation, including professional medical advice and consultation; it is provided with the understanding that Poosh, LLC (“Poosh”) is not engaged in the provision or rendering of medical advice or services. The opinions and content included in the article are the views of the author only, and Poosh does not endorse or recommend any such content or information, or any product or service mentioned in the article. You understand and agree that Poosh shall not be liable for any claim, loss, or damage arising out of the use of, or reliance upon any content or information in the article.

You may also like...

Go to article Why Am I Hornier When I’m on My Period?
Sexual Wellness

Why Am I Hornier When I’m on My Period?

Go to article Let’s Talk Nipple Sensitivity
body

Let’s Talk Nipple Sensitivity

Related Articles

Goes to article 7 Foods for Prime Sex From an OB-GYN
Sexual Wellness

7 Foods for Prime Sex From an OB-GYN

Goes to article What It Means When He Doesn’t Cum … And Why You Shouldn’t Take It Personally
Sexual Wellness

What It Means When He Doesn’t Cum … And Why You Shouldn’t Take It Personally

Goes to article Cockblocking and How to Deal with It 
Sexual Wellness

Cockblocking and How to Deal with It 

Goes to article An Expert’s Guide to Fingering
Sexual Wellness

An Expert’s Guide to Fingering

Goes to article The Best Position (for Most Women) to Have Internal Orgasms
Sexual Wellness

The Best Position (for Most Women) to Have Internal Orgasms

Goes to article Fingering Is Back
Sexual Wellness

Fingering Is Back

Goes to article Sex on the First Date: Is It For Me?
Sexual Wellness

Sex on the First Date: Is It For Me?

Goes to article TikTok Sex Hacks That Are Actually Legit
Sexual Wellness

TikTok Sex Hacks That Are Actually Legit

  • About
  • Contact
  • Terms & Conditions
  • Privacy Policy
  • Cookie Policy
  • California Privacy Rights
  • Affiliate Disclosure
  • Accessibility

Keep in Touch

instagram pinterest facebook twitter youtube join newsletter
Reviewed by Accessible360
  • © poosh, llc
    All Rights Reserved