The 5 Love Languages, a book written by Dr. Gary Chapman, breaks down the five different ways people tend to express and receive their love in romantic relationships:
- Physical touch
- Words of affirmation
- Quality time
- Acts of service
- Gifts
Some people identify with more than one love language. I, for example, appreciate physical touch, quality time, and words of affirmation.
I know—high maintenance much?
But what happens if one partner appreciates gifts as an expression of love, while the other wants to get deep and talk more about their feelings?
Or, if quality time is your love language, what do you do if your partner works a crazy amount of hours, lives far away, or has their kids 50% of the time?
If you want to make a relationship work with someone who’s love language isn’t the same as yours, two things will be required for both of you—compromise and compatibility.
Now, one could argue that if you have different love languages, you may just not be compatible at all. But I believe if you have the same values, respect and adore each other, want the same things in life, and are on the same timeline about said things (kids, marriage, etc.), chances are that you are compatible. And working to accommodate each other’s love languages could just make the relationship that much stronger and more dynamic.
Below are suggestions for the person who is uncomfortable with their partner’s main love language. Keep in mind that this advice is based on the premise that the relationship holds a lot of promise outside of the different ways the partners express their love.
Let’s first look at what makes you resistant to express how you feel about your partner. This isn’t an invitation for you to shame yourself, just a simple, non-judgmental inquiry. Then write down what you actually think of your partner on a piece of paper.
What would it feel like to tell them what would mean so much for them to hear? If it still feels uncomfortable, are you willing to at least try because you know it means a lot to them? If it’s not in your wheelhouse, could you put little reminders in your calendar to just let your wonderful partner know that you love them? Or that you think they looked dreamy this morning before they left for work (even if it’s clunky and awkward)?
The more you practice, the more comfortable it will be, and the more connected you will feel to the person who is receiving love in a way that’s most meaningful to them.
Affection isn’t your thing, but it’s your partner’s thing. They want to be held, cuddled, and kissed. You hate PDA, and they love it. Maybe you don’t want to make out on the street, but are you willing to hold their hand because it makes them feel emotionally safe and adored? Or put your hand on their leg under the table at a group dinner (not suggesting getting frisky here, but you do you) to let them feel connected to you in the way they desire?
If it feels too much being out in public, perhaps you could practice some kind of affection that feels important to your partner in the privacy of your own home, like cuddling while watching TV or making a point to kiss them good night in an intentional manner.
This love language can be a bit tricky to navigate if you’re on different pages, but it’s still workable. If you struggle to give quality time to a partner because you would rather be alone more often or hang out with friends, then it might not be a good match.
But if you legitimately have a full plate—whether it’s a demanding job or sick family member—it’s important that your partner understands the full life you have while you make them feel special as much as you can when you’re together.
As a lover of quality time, it was a challenge for me to date a man with four kids who lived eighty miles away, but the limited time we did spend together was so high quality, it was worth it for me to adjust to his schedule. It also helped that he made the effort to book me for the next weekend he knew he’d be free. Step it up for your partner in the limited time that you can give, and take it upon yourself to let them know you’re thinking about them when you can’t be around.
Your partner wants you to draw a bath for them or get their car washed. You, on the other hand, might think that these gestures aren’t romantic or that you’d rather your partner do these things for themself because you’ve got your own to-do list. My question for you is this: Is it really that hard if you know it’s the key to your amazing partner’s heart—to demonstrate regular acts of service for them?
My partner loves that I bring him coffee in the morning. It’s the tiniest gesture that makes him feel loved and cared for, before the craziness of his day begins. I find so much joy in making him feel loved in a meaningful way, even if I’d rather make my own coffee for myself.
Maybe it’s not the way you want to be loved. But it’s my hope that it’s not too difficult to start your lover’s car on a cold morning, making it nice and toasty when they go to work, if that’s what speaks to their heart.
These requests shouldn’t be confused with obeying a demanding partner who expects you to do everything for them. Maybe this partner who appreciates acts of service didn’t have anyone make them a nice meal, or ever feel taken care of, so it’s the little things that speak volumes to them.
This is another challenging love language to navigate if you’re not the greatest at giving gifts and/or aren’t in a financial position to give anything extravagant. If your partner is big into expensive gifts and you simply don’t have the cash, this might mean that the two of you are not the right fit. Of course, that isn’t the case if they ultimately decide that they care about your love and who you are more than the size of your wallet.
But what if they just want something thoughtful that isn’t too expensive? Flowers? A gadget for the home that makes their life a little easier? A special journal because they love to write?
If you’re completely stumped on ideas but want to give a gift that’s meaningful to them, simply ask your partner about what they appreciate. You can’t be expected to be a mind reader on this matter. You could also take a peek at their Amazon cart (if that’s not too invasive) and pay attention to the things they admire when you’re out and about together.
One of my greatest aha moments during my finding-love journey was discovering that even though I thought I knew what I needed from the other person (which is valid in regards to trust, loyalty, compatibility, and commitment), working through our inevitable differences made the relationship extra special and exciting. Making each other happy through connection, mutual respect, and reciprocal love is so worth fighting for!
The 5 Love Languages is a beautiful invitation for you to reignite the flame in your partnership if it’s burning low. And if you’re single, it’ll help you recognize that having a few differences may not be such a bad thing, and they may just inspire you to be more open-minded on who it is you’re looking for.
Claire Byrne is a heartbreak and finding-love coach. Get more of her tips on her podcast, Stop Wanting Him Back & Find Someone Better.
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