Kourtney Kardashian
You’ve lost your mojo and have no clue how to get back to your usual, confident, sashaying self. Maybe you’ve been leveled by an unfortunate event or a relationship has ended, bringing you to your knees. As a result, your self-esteem has taken a hit. You might be able to pinpoint specifically why you’re feeling behind the eight ball in the self-worth department, or it might just be a cumulatively pervasive feeling of “not enoughness.”
Wherever it stems from, know that everyone has moments of not seeing themselves clearly and feeling they aren’t up to par, and it’s totally normal to experience bouts of insecurity throughout your life. It just means it’s time for an upgrade of your confidence levels and a shift in how you view yourself. Here are some easy ways to catapult into an authentically confident version of amazing you.
We are so hard on ourselves. Nobody’s perfect, including you. Everyone makes mistakes, and how you coach yourself around a setback is how you overcome adversity with grit and grace to become an even better version of yourself. There are three constructive things you can say in the moment when you sh&% the bed and your perfectionism rears its intolerant head:
1) I wonder what I was feeling when I did that?
2) That’s OK, you’re still learning.
3) I wonder what I will do different next time?
Automatically launching into an inner dialogue and contemplation will move you into compassion and problem-solving mode, instead of a habitual shame spiral. And by doing this over time, you’ll realize that everything that happens is an opportunity to learn more about how you work intricately. You’ll start to take things as they come and not absorb the confidence blows when a situation doesn’t work out as you’d planned. This is the lifetime subscription to the winner mindset. And the payoff is huge.
Lower your expectations and get right with where you are in your life today. Acceptance of What Is will keep you in good stead. It’s all happening in the perfect time in the perfect way. Flexibility with living “life on life’s terms” helps you roll with the punches by not demanding everything play out how you need it to so your ego can run point. Trust there’s a bigger plan at work. Allow yourself to be led by your higher self through daily spiritual practices (like meditation and prayer). And stay the course while checking in with Source. Building a strong foundation with something greater than ourselves is the biggest self-esteem booster there is. Because when we truly know, no matter what, the Universe has our best interest and we allow ourselves to be redirected by that energy, our quality of life improves, period. The day we stop clinging to rhinestones when the Universe wants to give us diamonds is a game changer.
When you’re in a shame spiral, you’re usually in a negative self-obsessive loop. So, take some positive action, stat. These are quick feel-good-about-yourself actions you can initiate to show up in the world in a rewarding way, and shift your mindset about your value for yourself, those around you, and the world at large.
• One the fastest ways to short-circuit a low-vibe self-spin cycle is to be of service to someone else. So go against every instinct when you just want to do the unworthiness crawl back under the bedcovers. Instead, go volunteer at a shelter. Call someone and ask how their day is going with no mention of your own troubles and really listen from the heart. Put money anonymously in someone’s meter. Write a check to a nonprofit that matters to you. Offer to babysit a harried girlfriend’s kids and be present for them, or if you have your own kids, have them design their perfect day and follow through with bringing it all to life. The point being that you get out of yourself.
• Do things you enjoy and that you’re good at, whether it’s crafting, dancing, writing, decorating, or cooking. Give yourself a visual reminder of the gifts and talents you’ve cultivated over time. And if you’ve been wanting to challenge yourself and take that inspiring and physically intimidating exercise class at Taryn Toomey, Barry’s Bootcamp, or SoulCycle—do it! And be proud for signing up for something that has created resistance or fear in you, showing you how courageous you can be to overcome it. Same goes for any other goal you may have put off. It is an undeniable confidence booster to push past a block and move into action around something you want to bring into your life to improve it. Now’s the time to make it happen.
Stay in your lane. Compare = despair. Oftentimes we are externally focused on what others are accomplishing and we naturally compare ourselves only to come up short. Our self-esteem inevitably takes a blow. It’s vital to remember that we can’t compare our insides to someone else’s outsides, as we have no idea what’s going in their inner world. Let’s instead measure our success by our own yardstick and reaffirm our own personal goals for true, lasting contentment. You can always redirect yourself out of an obsessive loop if you think someone else is living your best life by asking: “What am I thinking? What am I feeling? What’s my next right thought or action?” And bring the intentionality back to your own uniquely amazing path. And then shine forth, friend.
Write out all your accomplishments you’re proud of—the big and the small (working out regularly, graduating, getting that job promotion, soft-boiling the perfect egg). Go long … start from way back in time. This is a blueprint of your courage, perseverance, and an inkling of your endless capabilities. Make sure to highlight the biggest obstacles you’ve overcome that are, in retrospect, character building. It’s important to note that these are rites of passage for everyone, and they highlight your inner fortitude. Then write out your assets from your character, your looks, and your talents. This is what you’ve got to work with—and that’s only what you’re willing to acknowledge at this time. There’s so much more you haven’t even accessed … yet! Take in what you are and how far you’ve come. And tell yourself there’s a whole journey ahead: feel the endless possibilities. Every good thing is on its way to you, but hope, gratitude, and a feeling of expectancy are what draw all that next-level goodness to you, like a magnet. So, breathe deeply, taking in and recognizing All That You Already Are, and remind yourself there’s so much more greatness to come.
Get that radical haircut you’ve been wanting, or treat yourself to those pretty honey-colored highlights. Maybe there’s a wardrobe staple you’ve had your eye on that you know will shift up your entire wardrobe and inspire you to revamp your look. When your confidence is low, seeing yourself in a physical new light is just what’s needed. If you’re doing the inner work of building out your self-esteem, and you complement that with a tune-up of your appearance, the combo can slingshot you into a fantastic new version of yourself. We can all get stuck in a rut around our appearance, pushing up against old ideas of what needs to stay the same for us to be physically acceptable or attractive. But if we occasionally blow that limitation out of the water, we can become that confident, self-possessed, fearless inner and outer beauty we’ve always aspired to and are now ready to unleash on the world.
Here’s the deal: we don’t always have control of how others see us or how they think of us, but we can change and shift the narrative of how we see ourselves, and there’s no better time than when we are feeling less than stellar about ourselves and are in need of a confidence boost. That’s about the only thing we do have control of. And oftentimes, people treat us the way we carry ourselves. We definitely attract situations that mirror our beliefs about ourselves and what we think we deserve. So, if we’re fully empowered to have the life we crave, then it starts with seeing ourselves in our full glory. It’s about baby steps. And when our self-esteem is in a good spot, we’re less likely to feel the lash of rejection. We can experience resiliency when we encounter failure, because our value isn’t tied as tightly to others’ fickle opinions of us or our accomplishments. As we undoubtedly come to know our true currency and self-worth, we become free from seeking external approval for our validation. Praise be!
Ryan Haddon, ACC, CHt., is a certified Life and Spiritual Coach through the International Coaching Federation, as well as a hypnotherapist. She works with clients from all over the world remotely and has a passion for helping them create their best life, in all areas of their life: professionally, relationally, and spiritually. She also does corporate and private workshops and retreats. If you’d like to know more about her, you can follow her on IG @ryanhaddoncoach and visit her website at www.ryanhaddon.com.
