When I first heard about the idea of a breakup weekend, I immediately thought to myself, “Oh, HELL no! That would be absolute torture.”
But this automatic reaction was a natural response based on my own heart-wrenching breakups that would have only been exacerbated by spending a whole weekend with the person I love, who just couldn’t or wouldn’t give me what I wanted.
The idea of a breakup weekend is to carve out time to “consciously uncouple” (thanks for coining this term, Gwyneth!), peacefully, lovingly, and intentionally ending the relationship with that much-needed closure.
The time might be spent recalling fond memories together, sharing how you’re going to move forward on your individual journeys, and thanking each other for all the fun times and growth that occurred because of the relationship.
My guess is (because I’ve never done this and hope I never have to) that you both go out with a bang. Yes, I mean this literally.
Look, the only way I think a breakup weekend could really work is if you BOTH are genuinely at peace with parting ways despite the inevitable sadness.
If that’s the case, my guess is it’s because you’ve naturally grown apart or there’s a fundamental difference that won’t allow the relationship to continue without one of you completely changing who you are. But because there’s a lot of love and respect, you want to honor all the beauty of what you shared as a couple.
These kinds of differences could include:
- Opposing religious beliefs
- Conflicting desires about having kids
- A job opportunity in a location that would make the other person feel like a complete fish out of water (Any Schitts Creek fans out there recall the heart-breaking, yet most loving, end to Alexis and Ted’s relationship?!)
At the end of the day, to each couple their own. But I’d say more often than not, (and perhaps it’s because I coach on heartbreak for a living) breakups are usually pretty painful for at least one person in the split, and if so, I don’t recommend a breakup weekend.
Here are 5 other reasons a break-up weekend may not be right for you.
1. You love the person, but they never really treated you that well. Sure, there were good times, and you can honestly say you have love for them, but you’re ultimately ending things because they actually weren’t that nice or good of a partner. Why carve out 48 hours to lovingly close out a relationship that just wasn’t loving enough to begin with?
2. You’re secretly hoping a magical weekend together will change their mind. Don’t do it. Don’t go into the weekend that they think is about closing out the relationship, while you’re SAYING it is while secretly hoping that they change their mind. You’re torturing yourself and aren’t bringing your authentic self to the table. If you don’t want it to end, SAY SO. You don’t need a weekend to prove how great you are. Ask them to work on it, and if they say no, spend the weekend with your loved ones who can catch you in the fall.
3. They’re already in a relationship with someone else … or you are. This might seem like a major “duh!” to you, but you’d be amazed by how many people I’ve seen compartmentalize a relationship with someone in a full-blown marriage because of how “special” they make them feel, even though they’re a secret.
I’m not saying they’re a bad person for cheating (or that you are). But if you or they are ultimately deciding that you’re not going to leave the other person, why cheat again or feel the need to close it out? Especially if you know you’d rather be with the person you’re having the affair with but they choose the partner they’re officially with. Have some dignity! Not to mention, some respect for the person who’s being cheated on.
4. You’re only doing it because your partner wants to. Agreeing to a breakup weekend out of guilt defeats the purpose of the weekend, don’t you think? A breakup weekend can only work when both people understand that parting ways is the right thing. You both should want to close it out in this unique way to get the intended benefits.
5. You just don’t need it. Maybe your friend did it or your therapist suggests this seemingly new-aged breakup weekend. Either way, you fall into the trap of thinking you should, given that you both still deeply care about each other. But perhaps a weekend away with friends to close out that chapter of your life would be more soothing for the soul … or not at all. If you don’t need it, (I can’t imagine that I would) then don’t do it!
