Let’s start with what most of us are probably already thinking: “Self-love” sounds like something printed on a dusty pink mug from 2014. But get past the millennial branding, and we’re really talking about whether you genuinely enjoy being you.
Are you in love with, well, you? Do you know what it would even look or feel like?
It’s ok if you don’t. After all, we’ve been trained to believe that being in love always involves another person. But try asking yourself the following questions:
- Do you enjoy your own company?
- Do you trust yourself?
- Do you talk to yourself like someone you’re rooting for?
In other words, are you your favorite person? And do your thoughts and self-talk reflect that?
Instead of defining self-love as spa days and affirmations whispered in the mirror, psychologists break it down into actual traits like self-compassion, emotional regulation, boundaries, self-efficacy, and acceptance.
We’re sharing five psychology-backed ways to build a healthier relationship with yourself.
1. Talk to Yourself Like Someone You Love
Dr. Kristin Neff’s research breaks down self-compassion into six elements—“increased self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness as well as reduced self-judgment, isolation, and overidentification.”
She addresses common beliefs that self-compassion is a sign of weakness, selfishness, or self-indulgence, none of which could be further from the truth. Instead, she shows how it actually promotes mental and physical well-being.
And according to this analysis, self-compassion is directly associated with lower levels of anxiety and depression. So, don’t take our word for it. Trust the science. Self-compassion isn’t indulgence. It’s essential to your health.
Here’s a little exercise you can try:
The next time you make a mistake (or what you think is a mistake), try thinking, “Ok, definitely not ideal, but let me explore how I can go from here.”
This allows you to take responsibility, but without the shame and guilt. And you’re taking proactive steps toward the future. You’re doing your best in the moment, and that deserves recognition.
2. Trust That You Can Handle What’s Ahead
Self-confidence and believing in yourself sound wonderful, but have you ever wondered how to get there? What do those terms actually look like in real life?
Enter: self-efficacy, the belief that you are able to do what’s necessary to achieve a specific goal. (In other words, you know you’re up for the job.)
Not surprisingly, research has shown that self-efficacy has a major positive outcome on mental health. The more you see yourself doing what you knew you could do, the more confidence you have for the next challenge.
You build momentum with every accomplishment brought about by your belief in your capabilities.
3. Manage Your Emotions Instead of Letting Them Run the Show
Emotions are natural, normal, and meant to be felt. How we handle and respond to them is emotional regulation. Research shows emotional regulation is an important part of our mental health, affecting our moods, relationships, and our resilience in stressful situations.
Strategies like reframing a situation, meditation, and breathwork can all help improve our adaptability and reduce anxiety. They teach us to take a moment to recognize what we’re feeling, reflect on why, and then decide how to deal with it in a healthy way.
So, before deciding that you’re failing at life, ask yourself if you’re tired, overstimulated, hungry … the list goes on. Maybe it’s all of the above. Whatever the reason, identify what you’re feeling, and give yourself the nurturing you need.
4. Protect Your Time and Energy With Boundaries
Researchers have found that when you honor your values and principles through boundaries, you raise self-esteem.
Setting boundaries reinforces the belief that your needs matter. You matter. And by giving yourself that respect, you show you’re worthy of respect.
But what if you’re not used to setting boundaries? What if just the idea of it makes your anxiety level jump 10 (or 100) notches?
It’s ok. Start small. Boundaries don’t have to be extreme.
When people make requests, try simple, straightforward answers like these:
- “I can’t make it tonight, but maybe we can reschedule another time.
- “That doesn’t work for me, but here’s what I can do.”
- “I need time to think about it, but I’ll let you know.”
You’re establishing your boundaries while still showing your willingness to help, but in a way that best suits you.
Setting boundaries may feel awkward at first, but you’ll love yourself more for doing it.
5. Practice Real Self-Acceptance
It may seem counter-intuitive, but self-acceptance is essential for personal growth. If you hate yourself for not being a certain way, it’s impossible to love yourself at the same time. Love and acceptance open the door to all those positive internal changes we crave.
In this study, people who were self-aware and then accepted themselves were able to make decisions more aligned with who they were, which resulted in improved well-being.
Self-love should feel grounded, not gimmicky. It’s a necessity for our health and happiness. And the science is there to prove it.
Ready to fall in love? With yourself? Hopefully, these five tools will help you discover how amazing you already are!
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